Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
