I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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