This is not my ceiling
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
