I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
