im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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