I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
