hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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