the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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