Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
