She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
