and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
