On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
