chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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