He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
