Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
ok first of all what the fuck
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
