I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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