My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
