btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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