I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
