You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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