If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
