.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
