Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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