I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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