I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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