the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
