i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
