Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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