My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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