I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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