I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Randomize
