Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
