Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
third nipple confirmed
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
