its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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