He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
