Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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