I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
