the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
