Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
