so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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