They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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