"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
