Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
