The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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