Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
did i walk over a car last night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
