I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
