I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
