I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
