What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
