I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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