Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
